The room was overfilled for the lunchtime, roundtable discussion about friendship. Over 100 people came together to share their hopes, fears, and suggestions about the promise of friendship. One by one the stories flowed, and as they did a theme quickly emerged. "We know friendship programs are far from ideal, but do you think they are the best we can hope for?"

Are friendship programs really the best we can hope for? Must we enroll the children and youth we care about in special buddy programs in order to give them chances to be around others their own age - even if those others are given credit or salary or "brownie points" for their participation? Are we obliged to settle for "less than ideal" as the only antidote to loneliness? And if we don't, are we sacrificing children to the altar of philosophy?

First the good news. The world is starting to catch on to what so many people have been saying for decades - friendship matters. Mastering math or knowing how to cook a three-course meal is all well and good, but without people to share your life, they are hollow prizes indeed. Friendship is what makes the world go 'round and everyone needs and deserves full and rich social lives.

From coast to coast, people are starting to talk about friendship. Families and professionals are attending conferences, reading books, making plans. No longer do we hear (okay we still hear it but not quite so often) that "schools don't do friendship" - instead we hear a recognition of both the belonging/achievement connection (remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs?) and the shared responsibility for social connections. It is a rare team indeed that does not give at least some time and thought to the issue of supporting a student to have greater opportunities to meet people and make relationships.

That is good news. It is vindication for the years and years of people declaring loneliness as their number one concern. It is a true social change. But, as with most things, there is the yin to the yang. And the yin, in this instance, is the proliferation of manuals that tell us how to "do" friendship and programs that assure us they will take care of it for us. And it is understandable. Once we identify a problem (Liana has no friends) it is only the hardhearted among us who would not try to come up with a solution. And the solution is to do something - anything - to make it better.

Do something is the cry of many. And thus families and professionals begin to look at programs that promise, if not friendship, then friendly and friend-like opportunities. Promise fun. Promise a chance to be around, or even paired with, other students. Promise to solve the problem of "no friends."

But wait. Have we identified the problem? Or have we identified just one symptom of the problem? Yes, we are concerned because Liana has no friends. But WHY does she have no friends? What is standing in the way of others seeing her gifts and beauty? How is it that she does not have the social life she desires?

[Now just in case you are worried, this is not the time in the article for a discussion of all the things about Liana that make it harder for her to make friends. In fact, no where in this article or any other article by your authors, will there be any discussion on this topic. Sure, there are things all of us could do to make ourselves more interesting, appealing, likable to potential friends. But despite our many "faults," we all still have friends. So this is not about "fixing" Liana to make her more desirable. Liana, like you and me and everyone else in this world, is right just the way she is.]

So what is the problem? If we believe that the problem is that Liana has no friends, then there is some logic in looking into programs that sell the promise of friendship. When the problem is no gas in your car, you look for places that sell gas. Isn't this the same thing?

But what if the problem was a crack in your gas tank? Then having no gas would be only a symptom of the problem and filling up with gas no real solution at all. In fact, by buying gas (over and over and over again), you may actually never find the time or have the money to identify the real problem. And maybe you would begin to think that this old car of yours was really destined to get only 5 miles to the gallon.

Similarly, what if by enrolling Liana in a friendship program we stopped trying to find out the real reasons she has no friends? And began to believe that she was destined to never have any friends outside of those in the program.

Friendship programs give the appearance of friendship. And so when we begin to think of all of the things Liana wants support around, enrollment in a friendship program gives us a false sense of accomplishment. We see Liana spending time with others her age and "check" we cross friendship off the list of things we need to work on.

But have we really solved the "problem?" Even if the problem was "Liana has no friends" the problem is still not solved. For friendship, by definition, does not involve payment of any sort between friends. In fact, in most states, paying someone for bestowing friendship-like favors in your direction is illegal. Students who are asked to be the "special friends" or "buddies" in such programs are, more often than not, given one kind of payment or another. And whether payment is in the form of money, school credit, or community service awards, it is still payment. And friends do not get paid for being friends.

And interesting note. Ask some who runs a friendship program if the students know their "buddies" are paid (or given credit) for their participation. Chances are the answer will be negative. Ask them why not. Chances are you will hear (as we have heard several times) that it would "hurt their feelings" if they knew this fact.

Exactly. If it has to be kept hush-hush, doesn't that mean it there is something unseemly about it?

But back to the problem. We contend Liana's lack of friends is just a symptom of the real problem. And so in order to identify the real problem we need to ask why she has no friends. What is standing in the way of real friendship?

We believe Liana has no friends because of the way people see and therefore treat her. We believe that the cards are stacked and the dice loaded against Liana - by the very systems and structures designed to "help" her.

Consider this. Liana is a "typically included" middle school student. We say typically included to mean that she is considered one of the "fully included" students in her school and get support to attend just about all of the 7th grade general education classes. Like many typically included students, she has a paraprofessional who accompanies her throughout the day, and she also receives a variety of support from related service providers and the school's inclusion facilitator.

In order to work on her goal of counting and understanding money, Liana starts off her day in the school cafeteria, working with her paraprofessional and "peer helper" to count the change from the vending machines. Each day the "helper" rotates, based on a chart on the classroom wall, so that no one student has to miss class more than once a month. No one other than Liana that is.

After working in the cafeteria, Liana goes back into class - sometimes at the end of 1st period, something not until the beginning of second. Since the class schedule also rotates, the class she enters could be any one of her subjects. Whatever the class, Liana begins her literacy lessons, reading words from a worksheet or from flashcards placed on common objects around the classroom. It is often difficult for Liana to concentrate on this work as, depending on the subject, the other students could be working in groups or listening to their teacher's lecture. The paraprofessional often has to redirect Liana's attention to her own work, and sometimes must take Liana out of the classroom so that she can fully attend to her task at hand. Liana has a behavior management plan to help her learn to "follow the rules."

Because Liana gets support services from a variety of related service professionals, she is pulled from class several times each week. Again, due to the rotating schedule of classes and the constancy of the related service professionals' schedules, the times she leaves classes are independent of the class agenda. Sometimes Liana does not want to leave, especially when she and her classmates are involved in something cooperative or exciting. But most days the professional must insist she leave, although sometimes the schedule allows for work to be done in the classroom.

When she stays in class, Liana works on a parallel or modified curriculum, depending on the subject. Learning content knowledge is a low priority so Liana uses these lessons to enhance her functional and ADL skills. During a class discussion, it is common for the teacher to bypass Liana or ask her a "functional question" (What day of the week is it?) rather than one based on content. During tests, Liana leaves the room as to not distract the other students. During lunch, the paraprofessional sits with Liana, reminding her to "use good manners" and sometimes keeps Liana inside during recess so that she can wash he face and hands before returning to class.

Had enough?

Liana is just one of the thousands of students who, though considered "included" are really more out than in and, perhaps more importantly, viewed more as a visitor than an actual member of the class community. Don't believe it? Talk to some of Liana's classmates and ask them questions such as "who is that?" referring to the paraprofessional; "where is she going?" referring to Liana's pull-outs; "what does she do?" referring to Liana's class work. Don't be surprised when the overall impression you hear is one of benevolence (we all love her), charity (I work with her sometimes), and marginalization (she isn't really like us).

Why does Liana have no friends? She is simply not seen as a potential friend.

Some people will use this to defend how "cruel kids can be" or to show the inevitability of cliques and stereotypes. But we suggest that it is not the "kids" that need to change. It is us - and the systems that we have put and kept in place in the name of (special) education.

Why does Liana have no friends? Because we have created a system, that even when called inclusion, really serves to further separate and isolate.

But does that mean the roundtable discussion theme was correct? That although not perfect, programs are the best we can hope for. NO. It means that we need to identify the real problem and solve it. Take a good hard look at WHY your son, daughter, the student you care about has no friends. And once you identify the real problem, solve it. Solving this problem, while not simple, is doable. It involves taking an honest look at way in which the student is being educated. It means not settling for inclusion in name only. It means meeting with teachers to explain the true value of each and every student. It means demanding that students not have to leave the classroom to get support. It means helping adults understand the ways they can help or hinder the student's membership and belonging.

It means asking the right people for help. Asking classmates for ideas on how the student can be more involved in all aspects of the class and school. Giving classmates whatever they need to see a student's personality, gifts, value. Helping students recognize common ground, while appreciating differences. Talking openly and honestly and teaching students to advocate for themselves and each other. And while it does not mean asking students to "be her friend" it does mean asking students to help you figure out why and how real friendship can happen.

It means rejecting ideas that perpetuate the mythology of disability. That only certain kinds of differences are okay. That, in order to belong, you need to "be like us" or else you need to "be with your own kind." That friendships inevitably become less likely as children grow older. That the ever increasing gaps of "function" or "interests" or '"ability" are the reasons. Rather than the system-imposed gaps of experience, time together, and independence from adults.

And perhaps most importantly, it means putting intentional time and energy into solving the real problem - and not getting sidetracked by promises of an easy-fix.

Solving a problems is not always easy. But it is near impossible if we do not understand the true problem.